Monday, December 31, 2012

Ironies Of the So called Life...

When i was a little girl i asked my mother what will be,.. will i be handsome?  will i be rich? this is what she said....(all in a sing song voice)... Wake up its time for school!!!(in a loud shooting voice)
And as time passed so did the dreams and so did the myriad of questions that always lurked behind the ears died an untimely but a very practical and logical death.
People say dream but they should be reasonable to be made true with time and effort. Have lots of hobbies on the pretext that you will have a monthly 50 grand minimum income. Yes make friends as long as they not make you feel that what you are facing is wrong... or you need to make your own decisions, its your life...these friends are banned!

Its sad when i see that all these years all that i ever did was with a sense of escape. Run away, you  see its very simple,...
I watch a movie i have an escape of around 3 hours,... i am reading a book i have an escape for intermittent periods of time of multiple duration, i was so naive i didn't even realize that even the friends i made were never chosen... i thought i got along everyone but it never mattered to me as long as i could run away from being me.
Not that my life was miserable or anything but i never felt a belonging be it anywhere or anytime or anyone...
my awesome memory is so great it doesn't let many things linger for very long before it becomes thin air.
I make jokes and i must say i make pretty good ones because i have the power of sensing if some one is genuinely laughing or not. 
When i look around myself i see a cage an invisible one that is made a little by others and later carried on by me. My suffocation reminds me of the void i sometimes feel in my heart, but then i have so many logical ways to deal with it,... starting with a disprin or alcohol or smoke,,... anything that will make me numb and forget these silly questions about life and there i go listening to the wise people,... focus on work, dont think too much, dont be so serious about life, be positive, and this particular list is endless.
I seek sympathy which i feel is no longer available. No please dont feel sorry but just say and agree that has become s**t by our decisions and we cannot do anything to improve it but lets enjoy this happy that we are sad....its better than not feeling see numb...

So here i go again...feeling like a little girl again... "What will i be".(in a sing song voice)... ???
what will i really be...rather what have already become... my then future,,. my now present.
I guess all will say... "whatever will be will be".(in a sing song voice),... 

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