Ironies Of the So called Life...

When i was a little girl i asked my mother what will be,.. will i be handsome?  will i be rich? this is what she said....(all in a sing song voice)... Wake up its time for school!!!(in a loud shooting voice)
And as time passed so did the dreams and so did the myriad of questions that always lurked behind the ears died an untimely but a very practical and logical death.
People say dream but they should be reasonable to be made true with time and effort. Have lots of hobbies on the pretext that you will have a monthly 50 grand minimum income. Yes make friends as long as they not make you feel that what you are facing is wrong... or you need to make your own decisions, its your life...these friends are banned!

Its sad when i see that all these years all that i ever did was with a sense of escape. Run away, you  see its very simple,...
I watch a movie i have an escape of around 3 hours,... i am reading a book i have an escape for intermittent periods of time of multiple duration, i was so naive i didn't even realize that even the friends i made were never chosen... i thought i got along everyone but it never mattered to me as long as i could run away from being me.
Not that my life was miserable or anything but i never felt a belonging be it anywhere or anytime or anyone...
my awesome memory is so great it doesn't let many things linger for very long before it becomes thin air.
I make jokes and i must say i make pretty good ones because i have the power of sensing if some one is genuinely laughing or not. 
When i look around myself i see a cage an invisible one that is made a little by others and later carried on by me. My suffocation reminds me of the void i sometimes feel in my heart, but then i have so many logical ways to deal with it,... starting with a disprin or alcohol or smoke,,... anything that will make me numb and forget these silly questions about life and there i go listening to the wise people,... focus on work, dont think too much, dont be so serious about life, be positive, and this particular list is endless.
I seek sympathy which i feel is no longer available. No please dont feel sorry but just say and agree that yes...life has become s**t by our decisions and we cannot do anything to improve it but lets enjoy this life...be happy that we are sad....its better than not feeling anything...you see numb...

So here i go again...feeling like a little girl again... "What will i be".(in a sing song voice)... ???
what will i really be...rather what have already become... my then future,,. my now present.
I guess all will say... "whatever will be will be".(in a sing song voice),... 

Explaining Moi`

About me? What about you? What do you really want to know about me? Could I really fit everything that I’ve learnt about myself in the 26 years I’ve been alive, everything that I feel is relevant in my life into this space with a character limit? I don't think so. There's too much to say but not enough that I could write that would really give you an insight into who I am. I could warn you about some things, but then you’d remember to be careful, and wouldn’t see my wrong side. And that’ll take away all the fun, right? So maybe you should just not worry about it. Anyway, here goes…I’m trying to figure things out.Nothing specific, just things. Definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Does that mean I'm insane? I’m a little (too) crazy.And I love being that way. I've lived in six towns but haven't yet found the place i call home…Although I pretty much LIVE in my head.Yes, I know I’m weird. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve but I am emotional enough. People who’ve seen me cry are special, because it usually takes a lot.(I’m choosing to excuse my erratic behavior during the worst phase of my life from this generalization) I’ve learnt to never regret anything because at one time...it was exactly what I wanted For the most part, I laugh. I laugh too much. Mainly cause it keeps me happy. I laugh at anything and everything- jokes, dumb jokes, lame jokes, random jokes, inside jokes, funny jokes, non-funny jokes, non-jokes. I also speak in sarcasm. You’ll probably find me offending unless you’re a connoisseur of sarcasm yourself. I can never have enough of myself, even though I am too much to handle. You’ll probably find me much better, or much worse, or maybe both at different instants. I’m not your average girl. I like the usual girly stuff. But I’d prefer reading a bike magazine (or better still, being on my way to crashing one!) to shopping. Sigh….If bikes are of the female kind, I’m a lesbian. I’m a bit of a nerd too. I enjoy most things that take brains (although I do tend to get frustrated if the amount of brains required is more than what I’ve got) I’m never scared to speak my mind. I can stand up for myself and what I believe in. Or for you, if you aren’t being stood up for enough. Yes, I’ll also try my hand at stand up, thank you very much. (Oh my god, my jokes get dumber by the second. You can be polite and pretend to laugh, please) I make friends easily enough, but it takes a hell lot to want me to keep one for life. I tend to like stuff easily enough too, but once I’m put off, I’m off it forever. I believe in saying what I feel to people’s faces. Although I will bitch sometimes… The victim will certainly be somebody I dislike intensely, enough to make me not care even out of humanity. You might find me too stupid-on-purpose or intelligent-by-default or emo-when-I’m-sad or hyper-when-I’m-mad, but then, that’s me...

Maa...

It actually takes a lot of courage for me to write this...

I lost you a long long time ago...i slept with hope of finding you one day..that just never came..i was good, i was bad..doing practically everything just waiting..i became a thief, a liar to the world but only the hope that you will come kept me going strong, till i realized that whatever i am doing is not pleasing you i went from a spoiled child to a good girl..i am still waiting for you to return..what will it take for you to come back to me..what made you go so far far away..?
"I'am a good girl mummy please now come back i need you a lot,i feel very lonely".. as a teenager i kept repeating those words while finding it hard to look at your smiling face with my tear filled eyes...
When i made friends i had no one to tell about them,..when i got a prize i wanted you to see,..whenever i lost i wanted you to be there..
My every achievement was marred by your absence,..as i grew older..i went to new places...saw new faces...if only your face would have been there,..my loneliness would not have became my best friend..i had my worst experience with death when it took away "bua dadi"..seeing the whole ordeal of her being consumed by cancer hurt me like a thorn i realized that there is something worse than death....i was strangely relieved...
I became an adult, i went to college..so much i wanted to ask..so much i wanted to know,..if only you were there to help me just a little bit...a little piece of advice,..a small suggestion..just about anything...
Slowly I became mature,..had my heart broken,..how much i needed you...
everywhere i go i search for a bit of you in everything..it might be nearly 20 years...but i still wait for you...i sleep telling myself..giving myself hope..of finding you one day...

How to Live Life or something like it...

"When in my couch i lie in vacant or in pensive mood they flash upon the inward eye which is the bliss of solitude",....i guess anyone who has even had a close brush with poetry will definitely know what i am talking about,.....
Wordsworth, one of my favorite poet for a very simple reason (I'm sure even he might have marveled at what i am about to say...)he gave a lot of space to one imagination to run. People who having read his above line would definitely know what he is talking about,...yes yes the "Daffodils", lovely little yellow beauties, which with a background of lush green would even mesmerize even a bacchanalian. The beauty of nature is so intoxicating.
But lets come back to my reason for liking his poetry,... yes when he after his lone walk lies on his couch he is reminded of the scenic beauty of the daffodils which he saw on his path,..
Now when i use my imagination i feel this walk as life and the daffodils as "a thing of beauty is a joy forever"... so whenever we introspect we think about a lot of things but surely we tend to forget little joys which life throws down our path,... I write for i realize the its true we somewhere down the line forget and furthermore forget to realize that we have started making the same mistakes we saw the others make and had solemnly swore never to be stuck in that situation. But life's never was and will never be a bed of roses,.. until we make it!!! Yes we do make it a bed of roses but then can you sleep on it?,... What will you do if you cant sleep even if your life is bed of roses. Have you ever thought why do u always end smiling thinking about your college life? No matter how much u would have cried , fought etc etc,...but still manage to smile... The above two lines have taught me to appreciate the joys and beauty of one life and actually ignore the little bumps and bruises you get on the way,..

The V-day or is it??!

For once if we forget what gender we are and start living like bacteria....how many issues can be solved right.......?!
Wrong!!!
None...even if we resolve one issue we give rise to another and nurture another........if not religious then state or else terrorism well the list is endless.......
I thought about the V-day and about that man who started it...
This day was supposed to spread love not "just love between man and woman"
Good day for businessmen ...they have taxed it so much that Valentine day has lost its true meaning...
What Shiv sena and Ram sevak are doing is appalling but what good are we doing... What we are doing is no different...
How many teenagers actually know who was St Valentin and what did he do?
Do they even know what da word "philanthropist" mean?
Measures must be taken to keep the sanctity of such occasions because if St valentine were to be alive now and if he saw The V-day sign i am pretty sure he wont be happy...
He was an epitome of brotherhood , he wanted peace and harmony among people he promoted love because no other power could have the above wanted effects...
But today all i see is pink ballons... 50 rupee each.........
Did anybody buy food and went to a old age home or an orphanage and said "Happy Valentines everybody"
no i dont think so..... i am yet to come across such incident........
but what i see and read is people gifting their girlfriends and wives expensive cars diamonds even islands!!!
And what i see is on a day like today there are still people going to bed...maybe even not that without food and even if after a meal and they do not feel that they are loved ... or that they mean anything...to anyone...
i strongly feel that it is a sin to celebrate this so called V-day... because its has lost its meaning.

girl interrupted

As i stood frozen in front of the television i saw the terrible new of the noida gangrape....
my god...what has changed???
we are in the 21st century but the nations capital is instead of progressing is actually deteriorating every day.....
as i watched and like any other female viewer winced in horror as the episode was narrated and later a debate had taken place...
Death Penalty they say is it sufficient...when will these few men realize that rape is so sooo so far worse than death for a female...
as the issue was as its always is was politicized....
i mean why shouldnt these men be dealt with like da one who threw acid on girls n were encountered...
its high time we realise dat u have to be a barbarian to counter one....
as its well known "zeher he zeher ko kat ta hai"...poison ends poison...
many would say its not moralistic n all but just think about that girl... she is scared for life... imagine if it would have been your mother, sister , friend, love of your life...even your daughter!!!
What would u have done....i ask the males on this planet why is it dat wen u cross a girl u have to comment n feel gud if she ducks away wen u try n touch her or finally show her where she stands!!!
my god till when do we girls have to regret being born as girls...we have reasons enuf already....
Acc to news the attackers were members of a cricket team is this what they r taught???
No matter how much u educate man is this what he will do eventually????

what to expect n what not to....?

Is it really good to be good???...n dat too to people????...
i have a query...well even when you are nice to some one...saved their ass...n were concerned about them...wat u get in return....not even nothing but something dat you wish....had been nothing....
is dis how it happens??????